GIGGLES!!



This is giggles. Giggles is a page full of jokes and quotes to make you laugh. We all get them in our email or even snail mail and sometimes we just can't help laughing. So what I have here is a collection of my favorites that have been sent to me. So sit back, relax, and laugh until you fall off your seat!

Hallmark Cards
Jesus
A Statement from Monica
One Liners
Pity the Pope
Vasaline
The Birth of a Candybar
Sightings of the Stupid
More Giggles
Funny Pictures and Cartoons
More Funny Pictures and Cartoons



Rejected Hallmark Cards


1.  So your daughter is a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.

2.  My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry

3.  You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

4.  You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5.  Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

6.  Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it  ....
She moved in with me

7.  Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive
Don't you regret installing
Windows 95?

8.  You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry? 
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Jesus


A burglar is sneaking through this house one night, when out of the
darkness comes a voice, "I can see you and so can Jesus".

The burglar freezes in his tracks and is too frightened to move. After
ten minutes, nothing has happened so he moves forward. Again from the
darkness comes the voice, "I can see you and so can Jesus".

The burglar is petrified and too frightened to move a muscle. After
thirty minutes, he decides that he has to do something. He backs very
slowly and tentatively to the wall and feels around for a light
switch. He switches on the light and there in front of him, sitting in
a cage, is a cockatoo who says, "I can see you and so can Jesus".

Greatly relieved, the burglar sighs, "It's just a cocky".
The cocky looks at the burglar and says, "I might be just a
cocky but Jesus is a big Rottweiler".
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And Now A Statement From Monica...


PRESS STATEMENT FROM  MONICA LEWINSKY TODAY:
       MONICA SAID :  " I have had enough, this whole experience has left a
BITTER TASTE IN MY MOUTH and I CAN'T STOMACH ANY MORE. I feel as if
I am GETTING THE SHAFT, that this ugly matter has COME TO A HEAD and
BLOWN UP IN MY FACE. THIS MAY BE A LOAD TO HANDLE, BUT WHEN THINGS ARE HARD,
THAT IS WHEN I AM AT MY BEST. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know
what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way i know how:
HEAD ON. I have LICKED BIGGER THINGS than this before, and I will again.
No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky IS NOT A FINISHER
or that she quit before the JOB WAS DONE. I will work nonstop and fight
this, BLOW BY BLOW until I AM WIPED CLEAN OF THIS DIRTY AFFAIR.

                    I WILL NOT BE STAINED BY IT.


                       THANK YOU,  MONICA LEWINSKY. 
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One Liners


 Stephen Wright one-liners
     - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
     - For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
     - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
     - Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
     - I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
     - I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
     - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
     - Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding
     - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
     - Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
     - Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
     - I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
     - I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
     - I intend to live forever - so far, so good
     - I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
     - If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
     - Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
     - Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
     - Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
     - Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
     - Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
     - The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
     - When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
     - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
     - If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
     - Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
     - 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
     - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
     - Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
     - When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
     - Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
     - If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
     - Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
     - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
     - Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
     - I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
     - I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
     - Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
     - How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
     - Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
     - Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
     - Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!
     - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
     - Black holes are where God divided by zero.
     - All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
     - I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
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Pity the Pope


A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next
to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red
lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He
opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes later he asked
the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?

  "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too
much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".

  "Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. "I'm
sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"?

 "I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it".
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Vaseline


A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house
juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase.

He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man,
"Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?"

"Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz.  We're paid
by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself
for feedback on products.  Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline
petroleum jelly.   Would you have time to answer just a couple of
questions?"

"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt.  Fire away young
man", says the homeowner. Looking down at his clipboard, the
survey-taker asks,"Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?"

"Yes sir, for as long as I can remember".

"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the
survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the
answer.
"Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."

The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly.  He looks around,
leans forward and in a low voice says, "We pride ourselves in being very
thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped
lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?"

"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper.  "We put it on
our bedroom doorknob.  It keeps the kids out
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The Birth of a Candybar


It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.  I saw Miss
Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey
Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big  Million Dollar Bar?"
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was pure
Almond Joy!  I couldn't help but grab
her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that
this little Twix had the Red Hots for me.  It was all I could do to
hold the Snickers and Crackle as my
Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and
she started to scream "Oh Henry!"  Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan
and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't
be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars
and that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.  She asked me if I was
into M&M, but I said, "Hey
Chicklet, no kinky stuff."  I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces,
don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver.  Why don't you take my
Whatchamacallit and slip it up your
Ho-ho and i'll give you a Bit 'O' Honey?"  (What a
piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)  She screamed, "Oh your
Crackerjack tastes better than the Three
Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her
Peanut Butter Cup.  Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when
all the sudden...my Starburst!  Yeah, as luck would have it, she
started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.
Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!
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Sightings of the Stupid



Sighting #1:
I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my
roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "sure." The
next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see
that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully)
trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the
bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.

Sighting #2:
 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #3:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine,when
she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on
earth are blind people doing DRIVING???"

Sighting #4:
At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the
company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is
fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was
spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the
headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #5:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not
turn on.

Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he
put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up
less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was
a good idea too.

Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
Tech Support:  "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Individual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and
she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):
Individual: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Individual: How do you spell that?
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